MY WIFE AND BOOZE: An Online Profile

Since my beloved betrothed no longer "blogs" (to her credit) and is generally too busy with "life" to waste "time" on such "nonsense," it is up to me to point out that she has been named 'Publicist of the Week' on Dan Dunn's 'The Imbiber' web site:

http://www.theimbiber.net/files/POW_Leigh_Fountain.html

For those who aren't aware, Dan Dunn has managed to make a successful career out of writing reviews about - well - booze. He travels the world critiquing wineries, bars, drink recipes, etc.

Take a moment and let that notion soak in... now take a few deep breaths and try to get over the envy.

Anyway, I think Leigh's answers to the profile questions are pretty frickin' entertaining, so give it a look-see.

Then have a drink.

HAIKU? SCREW YOU!

Look, the fact is that if I sat down to type out every random thought I had, I'd be 'blogging' (ugh) all day and all night. And the other fact is, I am aware of the fact that nobody really reads anyone else's blog - and that's fine...

But some of my random thoughts compel me to throw them out there just so that I can rest easy in knowing that I have taken a stand on something vitally important.

And, thus, I pose the question to YOU - the non-reader: "Haikus"... what the HELL?!?

Some Japanese poet decided one day that creating a poem - with no pressure towards rhyming - that has five syllables, then seven syllables, then five syllables is some sort of really impressive, mystical, ancient artform. And we've all accepted it! Blindly!

Am I the only one out there with the stones to stand up and call 'time out!' on this? Apparently so.

Well, let me tell YOU, mister, you can't just 'decide' that something has artistic merit just because you say so! It's not fair! Hell, if that were true, I could decide that inept watercolor paintings of moose were the epitome of artistic achievement and then just call it a day.

In fact, I've decided just now that creating a poem with no more than three syllables is the height of artistic achievement. You can't argue. I've already decided. It's called a 'John-ku'. Here's my contribution:

Eat. My. Ass.

There. Now I will go down in history as an artistic visionary and mystical figure.

I'll even dare to out-do myself. I'll arbitrarily invent ANOTHER poetic device: A poem that consists of forty-eight syllables, then two syllables, then one-hundred and seventy-three syllables. I'll call such poetry "Saggy Britches."
Now go off and write a Saggy Britches to prove to your intellectual friends how deep and mystical you are! BE THE FIRST! I DARE YOU!!!

BAM! Two - count 'em - TWO highly mystical poetic devices created in the span of a couple of minutes. If I don't go down in history as a greater artist than DaVinci then something's just not right.

UPDATE: Just for the sake of clarity, I'd like to point out that this post is intended purely as satire... I haven't posted the comments, but I think more than a few folks thought I was being serious. For the record, almost NOTHING I post here will be intended to be taken seriously. Thank you. Good night. Drive safely.