Look, okay - fine... happy new year and all that... but we have more important matters to deal with...
I'm being totally serious here... if you happen to turn on your TV and it happens to be on the Bravo channel and the Bravo Channel happens to be airing 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' (which, if you ever watch the Bravo channel you know that you generally have a one in three chance of this happening) then I implore you: DO NOT EXPOSE YOURSELF TO THIS SHOW FOR MORE THAN THIRTY EIGHT SECONDS!!!
As a general rule, you should get into the habit of treating 'Housewives' like a fire drill... remain calm, but remove you and your loved ones from danger as soon as humanly possible.
I made the mistake of allowing myself to be exposed to this show - unattended - for close to a full minute and I feel that I will never be the same. I was careless... I just turned the TV on without taking any precautionary measures and... well, there it was.
I didn't plan for it to happen, but then people rarely 'plan' to make foolish, fatal mistakes.
I guess I just got cocky... I assumed that if it was on channel 55 (the 'Bravo' in my cable network - a generally harmless network) that the worst thing that could happen was that I would find myself exposed to James Lipton fawning over Val Kilmer on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' (NOTE: This is NOT meant to be taken as a flippant dismissal of that show... it, too, is dangerous and should be viewed only when your NetFlix cache' is empty and positively NOTHING less harmful is on tv at the moment... and even under these circumstances, Lipton's love-fest should not be viewed unless you are EXTREMELY impaired by alcohol so as not to suffer from the effects the show elicits. But I digress...). Yet, lo and behold, without warning, I innocently turned on my television only to be bombarded with 'Housewives' - ALREADY IN PROGRESS!!!
Don't misunderstand me... I LOVE trashy reality shows. I will confess that here and now.
I realize that the only thing more passe, gauche and - other French words - than dissing on bad reality shows is confessing to like them... but for the sake of this warning, I must confess that I'm generally really entertained by bad reality shows (don't believe me? Here's what's on my list of regularly recorded shows: Top Chef, Kitchen Nightmares, American Idol, Project Runway and Trading Spaces to name a few).
I am neither a pop-culture snob, nor am I a pop culture idiot (I can bore you to tears with the essay I wrote in college about 'Bladerunner' and the theme of 'eyes' it carries as well as drone on and on about Bergman, Van Eyk, Molierre and other impressive names) - so I consider myself a pretty objective judge when it comes to whether some form of entertainment is merely a distraction and when it is pure, unadulterated evil.
Make no mistake... 'Housewives' is the latter. Proceed with EXTREME caution.
Now, I realize that by merely mentioning it, I may have piqued your curiosity... I cannot possibly convey how strongly I advise you to ignore that curiosity.
'Housewives' will - with alarming efficiency and expediency - remove all hope that there is any good in this world. It can turn the most devoted orphan-helping missionary into a cynical nihilist before you can say "That tube top looks soooooo good on you!"
Anyway, I managed to switch the channel to something less harmful (Paris Hilton's 'BFF' show) soon enough to recover and report back to you... but I was lucky. I don't want you to suffer the same trauma I suffered.
I'm still in recovery... I've checked myself into a clinic and I'm on the mend, but please... PLEASE take care when you turn on your TV.
I wish you safety and peace in the new year.
