Congratulations to all of you cretins, slobs, assholes, hillbillies, dickheads and morons... YOU WIN!
I give up... you will NEVER AGAIN have to put up with me 'shush'-ing you at the movies... 'cause I just can't take your loud, inane, grating commentary any more. The movie theaters belong to YOU now. I give up. There are more of you than there are of me (by 'me' I mean anyone who's not interested in hearing your sub-retarded play-by-play during a movie)... your army of stupidity has overwhelmed all the forces of decency, so in the interest of survival, I am retreating.
Consider all public movie theaters 'Asshole Territory'.
Let me point out, I do not blame the movie theaters for this... in fact, I pity them greatly... but it seems that no matter how many clever little announcements they run before the film BEGGING you to shut your trap, you just don't give a damn.
Which is why I am surrendering... any time you're dealing with two foes - one of whom is civilized and one of whom is barbaric - the barbarian will ALWAYS win.
In case you haven't guessed, Leigh and I actually made an attempt to go to the movies this past weekend and found ourselves surrounded by douchebags (pictured above).
Now, I'm relatively forgiving when it comes to talking during things like previews or those horrible commercials that movie theaters run these days, but once the movie starts - call me crazy - I expect people to shut the hell up.
Obviously, this doesn't include laughter, gasps or appropriately volumed reactions... indeed, that USED to be part of the moviegoing experience I actually enjoyed.
In fact, I don't even mind a certain amount of WHISPERING... but for the most part, every single member of the audience was talking in their normal speaking tones... NON-STOP!
I do take a certain amount of responsibility... we usually make a point of seeing movies that have either been out for so long that the general populace has lost interest, or we go to 10AM shows when most L.A. residents are still fast asleep.
We saw 'The Grudge 2' which - make no mistake - was not very good. It really was just more of the same. Nonetheless, there has never been a movie made in all of history that is as bad as hearing people talk during a film.
The fat (and by 'fat' I really mean obese peice of shit) guy above started talking as loud as he possible could DURING THE VERY FIRST SCENE IN THE MOVIE. It was clear that he was just getting started, so Leigh and I turned around and Leigh said "Shut UP!"
Now, get this... this is great, he looks at us and says (again, at a level just below a shout) "SHEESH! YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'SHUT UP'! YOU COULD JUST SAY 'BE QUIET'!"
I swear to you, I was ready to leap on him and rip out his jugular with my teeth... fortunately, Leigh stopped me.
I wanted to say to him "Do you need someone to tell you to wipe your ass after you take a dump as well? Do you need someone to tell you how to chew your food? (a silly question I know)... WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE QUIET YOU PILE OF MEAT!"
Anyway...
The rest of the folks (and by 'folks' I mean 'insects disguised as teenagers') depicted above were the types to give a slightly quieter but no less annoying 'running commentary' on what was happening. When a character picks up a glass of wine, they say "She picked up that glass"... when a character gets hit over the head with a lead pipe they say "That hurt".
And here's the punchline... when the movie was over, the girl on the far right said "That was stoopit". Meanwhile, she sceeched at every scary moment.
Anyway, that was the last straw.
I'm not going to the movies any more, so all of you idiots out there have my permission to talk as loudly and as extensively as you want. Only one out of every fifty movies to come out of this town are even remotely worth seeing anyway, and I've got a huge TV... so I can wait for everything to come out on DVD.
Movie execs wonder why no one is paying $85 for a typical night at the movies (and let's face it, that's what it winds up costing). Well, there's your answer: Your movies are horrible and people are scumbags. I can put up with one or the other, but not both.
Thank you - and enjoy the film.
2 comments:
Agreed. As you already know. If they want to get me back into the theaters on a regular basis, they're going to essentially have to hire 'hall monitors' for lack of better terminology, (theater monitors?) to escort the assholes out of the theater when they're being assholes. Considering the cost of a movie ticket these days, they should be able to hire some help to that end... don't you think?
Move to my town and attend a flick.
Wait for someone's phone to ring as the opening credits roll and they loudly answer it.
"No, no, it's okay, I'm at the movies!"
Hush loudly. Prepare yourself for, "D'you mind? I'm trying to have a private conversation here, you asshole!"
This is usually a good time to make your peace with the Lord because you're about to meet him.
Post a Comment