BRETT RATNER IS A BRETT HACK-NER

Look, I'm sure I'm not the only nerd who is using his blog space to rip on Brett Ratner for ruining the "X-Men 3" movie, but here's the difference between me and most of them: I don't really care about 'X-Men'.
I never quite got into the X-comics for a multitude of reasons... too many characters being one of them... but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate their appeal.
Actually, for my money, I preferred the classic X-Men when it was the professor, Jean, Iceman, Beast, Cyclopse and Angel. Once it started getting into dudes throwing decks of cards around and chicks who could steal life-force, I started kinda getting bored.

Having said that, I thought the first X-movie was good. Not 'really good'... just 'good'. The second one I would say was really, really, REALLY good (one more 'really' and I woulda called it 'great').
My point is, I don't have a lifetime invested in X-men the way I do Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, The Hulk and some of my other major favorites... consequently, I feel I'm in a good position to be objective with the films.
Which brings me to my real point: "X-Men 3" is a unchartably awful film.
I'm a pretty easy sell when it comes to science fiction or fantasy... even if the story is ass, I can still get into the pretty pictures and the special effects and the things that go 'boom'. I will defend all of the 'Matrix' sequels and the 'Star Wars' prequels... So it's not like I'm a tough audience.

This leads us to only one conclusion: Brett Ratner is a truly horrible director.

The thing is, I saw 'Rush Hour' (and I think I might have seen 'Rush Hour 2' for some reason)... again, horrible movies, but Jackie Chan's fight choreography is enough to keep me from jamming a cattle prod into my urethra... it was "Red Dragon" (the "Silence of the Lambs" prequel) that gave me my first real taste of hating Ratner. Here was a film with an amazing cast, great book AND a great movie to base this updated version on, and somehow Ratner STILL managed to mess it up. Fortunately, his (snicker) 'directing' didn't completely destroy the film's enjoyability, but he sure came close.
I also made the mistake of listening to his 'commentary' on 'Dragon's DVD... my goodness what a blowhard. I just can't even describe it. If you're ever feeling suicidal but you're one reason shy of enough reasons to actually pull the trigger, listen to about 90 seconds of Ratner's commentary on the 'Red Dragon' DVD. It'll make you hate kittens.

Nonetheless, 'Red Dragon' was years ago, so I actually allowed myself to go into 'X-3' with a certain degree of cautious optimism... "Maybe the story is so good that it'll overpower Ratner's suckiness"... "Maybe Bryan Singer's style has rubbed off on him"... "Maybe he'll get really good storyboard artists"... ANYTHING... I clung to hope. Silly me.

Ratner's directing is like a black hole that sucks in anything and everything good or appealing and shatters it into nothingness... forever lost in the cold void of Ratner's ass.
Joel "I Turned The Batman Franchise Into An Episode of H.R. Puffinstuff" Schumacher must be overjoyed by "X-3" insomuch as it has the potential to draw peoples' attention away from his abominations for a while.

Ratner clearly hates X-Men fans... but he hates NON X-Men fans as well. He hates all moviegoers and lovers of film.

Brett Ratner hates you.

"X-3" was directed in such a way that if you're a die-hard fan, you'll be monumentally disappointed, saddened and even angered... if you're just a casual moviegoer, you'll be bored, confused and filled with an un-named hate (allow me to help you target that hate: RATNER!).

Major story points are glossed over as if they mean nothing, important plot developments are farted out without thought... beloved characters are treated like so much fodder - you will care nothing about any of these people portrayed in this movie.
I don't care if you still sleep in 'Wolverine Underoos', you will drown in your own indifference at this movie.The special effects are cheap, the dialogue could just as easily be delivered by a bunch of dental assistants as they could superpowered mutants, there are a total of about 4 really chincy-looking sets throughout the entire movie that look as they were shot in Stan Lee's back yard and you just get the overall impression that Ratner was told that if he brought the whole thing in under budget he'd get a bonus and then went and cut costs in half.
Halle Barry should make every movie with Brett. They're perfectly paired. That's all I'll say about her performance.

Alas, however, this movie had a great opening weekend - Ratner is rolling in cash while Lindsay Lohan massages his puffy pink feet and dreams of playing the heroine in his next blockbuster. Movie executives (possiblly the only people in the world dumber than actors) will say "Duuuuhhhrrrr-welp! It made uh whole buncha munnee! Guess that means Brett is a great duh-wreck-tor! Let's let him direct the re-make of 'Citizen Kane'!"

Sleep well tonight, Brett Ratner - go to bed with the assurance that you came along at JUST the right time... a time when people have gotten so stupid and their expectations sunken so low that someone like you can be a millionaire.

EXCELSIOR!

DON'T BE ANGRY

No, really... seriously... don't be angry. It's not allowed. Society won't accept it.
When did it become so taboo to be angry about something? I don't mean VIOLENT... I just mean 'angry'. If you say you're 'angry' people flip out and assume you're going to pull out a shotgun and start blasting away. That's not 'angry', that's 'psycho'.
The absolute most you can get away with in day-to-day circles is 'upset.' But 'upset' isn't always particularly accurate. I equate 'upset' with having hurt feelings. And if you say "I'm feeling upset", people tend to react with sympathetic hugs and positive reassurance... which is, of course, the last thing you want when you're angry. If you say you're upset when you're actually angry and someone starts slathering you with weepy new-age hippie psychobabbly bullshit, it just makes you angrier.
The 'politically correct' way to say you're angry is by saying you're 'frustrated'. "I'm not angry at you... I'm just frustrated with the situation." Again, frustration is what I feel when I'm find out that my alarm didn't go off and I have to rush around to make it to work on time. It's not the same as angry.
Generally speaking, if someone says they're 'frustrated' with you, it means they're angry as hell at you.
When did we all become so afraid of our emotions? Life is a rollercoaster ride and we should embrace the fact that from time to time we're going to feel truckloads of different emotions. If we were happy all the time, life would be profoundly boring.
We're all so petrified of hurting each others' feelings... everyone's walking on eggshells... all forms of expression are stifled by this subliminated requirement not to offend anyone.
It's very... frustrating.

NIGHTMARE HUNTERS

'NIGHTMARE HUNTERS' AND ALL RELATED IMAGES, GRAPHICS, TEXT, CONCEPTS AND CONTENT ARE REGISTERED, COPYRIGHTED TRADEMARKS OF JOHN FOUNTAIN - 2006 - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NO PART OF 'NIGHTMARE HUNTERS' MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF ITS AUTHOR AND CREATOR, JOHN FOUNTAIN.

*Whew*! Now that I got THAT stuff outta the way, perhaps I should explain...

Several years ago while I was still on "The Fairly Oddparents", I got this idea for an animated show that was intended to be a sort of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' meets 'Vampire Hunter D' that would be appropriate for younger audiences.
Thus, the concept of 'Nightmare Hunters' was born... the idea being that nightmares have figured out a way to break into our reality and feed on our psyches (or 'figment' as it is known in the story) the way vampires feed on blood.
The two main characters, Rem and Luci, are the only two who can fight them off (for reasons that will be explained later) and the stories follow their adventures as they try to keep these dream-demons at bay.

Anyway, I loved this idea so much that as I continued to develop it and write scripts around it, I decided I needed to take time off from the daily grind of animation so that I could devote myself more fully to my new baby. I had lots of other ideas that I was pitching around, but this one was really dear to my heart. (By the way, do me a favor and don't bother writing in and saying "So-and-so already had that idea" or whatever... the notion of fighting nightmares is not 'new ground', but I can say that my take on it is honestly and sincerely my own, and that's why I'm protecting my rights to it here).

So, I quit FOP (much to everyone's shock) and whored myself out as a freelancer for a while, but my primary focus was on THIS concept.

Eventually I pitched it around and one of the major animation studios in town loved it and - after lots of haggling - optioned it for development as a possible television series (the studio shall remain nameless purely for the sake of caution, but I will go on record as saying that the experience working with them was generally very positive).
Anyway, for those of you who are fotunate enough not to be in the entertainment industry, an 'option' means that they pay you some money for the temporary rights to your idea... in my case, the option was for a maximum of two years... in that time, you work with the buyer to show them your concepts and make adjustments based on everyone's interests.
If they decide to permanently acquire the concept within the option deadline, they have to pay you more and then it gets made into a regular series - but THEY own it after that.
In my case, when their option deadline runs out, all rights to the characters, stories and everything else revert back to me.

And that's exactly what happened yesterday.

I had determined long before anyone optioned it that I wanted to do a comic book version so that if all the networks passed on it I could simply self-publish the comics and enjoy it for 'art's sake'.

While I'm obviously kinda bummed that it's been passed on (by this network) I'm also thrilled now that I have the opportunity to secure its copyright by publishing it on this blog. And you, dear reader, are now a part of it as a witness. So you have my thanks.

To be honest, as I dive back into working on the comic version, it's some of the most fun I've ever had. I can go back to my original stories without having to worry about 'network standards' or anything like that and just let my own bliss dictate the narrative.

Anyway, I hope to have the first issue done by this time next year (where I intend to premier it at ComiCon).

I'll have updates as they occur.

Now I'd like to take the time to publicly thank some folks who helped me during the pitching/developing process... most of them got paid either very little or nothing at all, but the hard work, support and encouragement they provided made it an extremely rewarding experience...
Holly Kim - Holly was my initial 'barometer' for the idea... she would look at the drawings, read my stuff and give me her brutally honest feedback. She also provided me with positively mind-blowing colors and graphic designs for the pitch materials.
Eric Trueheart - The only creative force other than myself who actually got paid by the studio. Eric co-write the script and a lot of the pitch material. Beyond that, however, Eric did COUNTLESS revisions for me off-the-clock (i.e. for free) out of sheer enthusiasm. He was my first choice for who I wanted as my scriptwriter, and it was great having him with me in the trenches. This project was not the last time you will see the fruits of a Eric/John teamup.
Louie DelCarmen, Cynthia French and Heather Chavez - These three nutjobs actually drew storyboards for me on their free time! Can you believe it? Louie, in fact, provided an action sequence that rivals the speeder-bike chase in 'Return of the Jedi'. Anyone who is a board artist or knows a board artist knows that they work really long hours, so taking on freelance work is often just not an option - yet Louie, Cynthia and Heather somehow did it and I couldn't be more grateful.
Jason Stiff - Unfortunately, we never got to the point where we needed music, but VERY early on Jason agreed to do some original scoring for it. The fact that someone as talented and cool as Jason was willing to jump in on something that had the potential of NO payoff was wildly flattering and encouraging. That encouragement, alone, was like rocket-fuel for me.
Ian Graham - Who said to me VERY early on: 'Don't try to do it all yourself.' This simple yet profound bit of advice has snowballed into a whole other work philosophy for me that has had long-lasting positive effects.
and of course...
Leigh Phillips my wonderful Fiancee who gave nonstop support and the kind of objective guidance no one that's IN the animation industry could possibly provide.
You all make up "The Dream Team" and you have my humble thanks.

Anyway, the future of Nightmare Hunters is still very bright... I can't go into any more details, but what I can say is at the very least I will do a comic of it that should be out sometime next year.

And remember:

NIGHTMARE HUNTERS IS A COPYRIGHTED TRADEMARK OF JOHN FOUNTAIN - 2006 - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Man that feels good...

BO BICE NEEDS OUR HELP!!!

Yes, it's time once again for everyone's LEAST favorite segment on this blog: JOHN DECONSTRUCTS VIDEOS HE SAW ON VH1 THIS MORNING!
Now, before you start rolling your eyes, if the 'music video genre' is, indeed, a serious art form, then why SHOULDN'T we look more closely at them? After all, are they not a mirror held up to society? Hmm? Huh? Hmmm?
Anyway...
I gotta talk about Bo Bice... I'm deeply concerned for his wellbeing.
As I understand it, the reason he 'exists' as he does is because he was on 'American Idol'. So, regardless of what I think of his music, apparently America wants Bo Bice (doesn't his name sound like Mushmouth from the 'Fat Albert' show is asking for 'more rice'? But I digress). Being a big believer in democracy, I say: DIG IN, AMERICA! Take a big, heaping helping of Bo Bice and enjoy. You've earned him. You have my blessing.
But what of Bo himself? Has anyone bothered to concern themselves with HIS needs? Apparently not. Thank goodness for ME.
So in his latest (only?) video, it depicts him walking - nay - strutting down a city street... paparazzi photographers use FBI-quality zoom lenses to snap fleeting pictures of the almost mythologically beautiful man, his pert-plus hair flowing in the breeze...
Occasionally when he walks by some 'regular' people (i.e. non-celebrities), they turn and look with appropriate amazement that Bo is actually out walking around among the commoners (who, naturally, are not actually commoners but actors being paid to pretend that they love Bo). They all (women AND men) drop everything they're doing and start chasing after our lanky hero (I'm sure their employers will waive whatever punishments would ordinarily befall a worker who fails to report in once they get wind that Bo was involved... they will undoubtedly be filled with jealousy that they weren't there for it).
Now, mind you, when I first saw this video I was CERTAIN that there was going to be some twist at the end of it all and it was all going to be a dream or the crowds were going to run past him and he'd be left alone all sad or something... I would have bet MONEY on it I was so certain that was gonna happen.
But I underestimated Bo.
Anyway, the mob of (mostly) hot girls who are wetting themselves over the presence of Bo grows and suddenly Bo is on stage gracing the city with an impromptu concert (for some reason it takes eight months to schedule someone to come over and install my cable box, and yet throwing up a stage and getting the band and sound equipment happens in a matter of nanoseconds in the world of this video).
There are occasional cutaway shots of Bo singing into the camera (undoubtedly admiring himself in the monitors) and taking that 'Jesus pose' (see illustration) that long-haired rock-stars seem to love so much (as if to say 'Yes... I am you messiah of rock, baby!') but it inevitably returns to his concert which now has an entire metropolitan city gathered around to worship at the alter of Bo.
As the song continues, I sit and wait for the twist-ending I've come to expect... or for the crowd of people to all yell "PSYCH!" at Bo and start laughing at him.
But the 'twist' never happens. This video is ACTUALLY about sending a message that says 'Bo thinks he's really awesome'.
Now, at first I was going to direct my critique at the director, but let's face it... we all know it had to be Bo who browbeat some poor slob of a struggling filmmaker into making this video a demonstration of pure ego. Can't you just picture THAT conversation?
DIRECTOR:"Okay, Bo, I was thinking we'd do something with you alone in a room with a spotlight on you and - "
BO: (interrupts) "NO WAY, MAN! LET'S HAVE ME WALKING DOWN A STREET AND BIG CROWDS OF SCREAMING GIRLS CHASE AFTER ME AND THEN I GIVE AN IMPROMPTU CONCERT AND ROCK EVERYONE'S WORLD!"
DIRECTOR: "Um... like when The Beatles gave their rooftop performance? I'm not sure that - "
BO: (interrupts again) "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 'BEATLES'? WHAT DO BUGS GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING! JUST CALL CENTRAL CASTING AND GET ME A CROWD OF HOT CHICKS! BECAUSE I'M SO VERY STRAIGHT!"
DIRECTOR: "Yes sir, Mr. Bice."
So, as you can tell, Bo desperately needs our help... if he is allowed to continue to think he's ACTUALLY great and not just another blip on the pop-culture radar, his ego may grow to such huge proportions that it could literally, physically crush him... and I want Bo alive and well so that he can continue to embarass himself for a couple of more years and then live the deliciously pitiful life of a 'has-been'.
This guy is pure, horriffic comedy... let's make sure we keep him healthy. Please give to the "HELP BO LIVE A LONG TIME BECAUSE HE'S GOOD FOR SOME CHEAP LAFFS" foundation... every little bit helps.
Thank you.

ANTI-SLICK

The show I'm on right now at Disney is knee-deep in post-production which means long hours of editing and sound mixing, etc. etc. etc.
Anyway, while I'm in these sessions there are lots of in-between moments spent sitting there waiting for various reasons and I've found myself doodling in my notebook... as a brainless exercise, I decided to start doodling by holding the pen by the butt-end and the above drawings of Superman and Wonder Woman are two of many results - and I must say, I'm positively thrilled with the outcome! So much so, in fact, I took the doodles, scanned them into photoshop and did a quick color-job on them.
Not that I think it's great art or anything, but it was FUN!
I'm beginning to learn more and more that as I 'let myself go' and stop trying to conform to a style or restrict myself with the endless mental blocks I usually bow to, the results are really pleasing to me.
For over half a decade now I've been working on shows with EXTREMELY tight, graphic-designy drawing styles - so this is my therapy: ANTI-SLICK! (phrase coined by Holly Kim)
I think I'm beginning to embrace this whole 'anti-slick' notion as an artistic philosophy... if nothing else, it's made drawing and painting fun again.

I SAY THINGS

"My life is constipated."
"Everything that exists is stuff."
"Anything is possible and nothing can be proven... including that statement."
"I'm so fat I'm like a Death-Star Made of meat."
"I have to pee so bad I have to urin-NINE!"
"People are just folks."
"I'm the worst kind of idiot... I'm just smart enough to know how dumb I really am."
All quotes genuine John Fountain nonsense.
Sorry about this... I'll do a real post tomorrow.

THIS GUY IS COOLER THAN ALL OF US

Just a quick watercolor sketch I did a coupla years ago on a lazy Sunday while watching one of those incredibly dull news/debate programs... I dunno who this guy is or what his story was, but he was hot, so I painted him.

PINK'S NEW VIDEO

I can'e believe that I'm about to come to the defense of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, and yet I feel I am left with no alternative...
Bear with me...
So, lately I've been trying to abuse myself into being in better shape by attatching various limbs to machinery in our apartment complex's 'fitness' room... now, the only way I can make excersize (or 'working out' as the kids call it) slightly-less-physically-painful and slightly-less-psychologically-mind-numbing is by having the TV on VH1 Top 20 Video countdown.
Suffice it to say, it's the same 20 videos every single day, but sometimes they play them in different order. Roughly 87.428% of all of the top songs in America right now are sung by former 'American Idol' contestants... but I digress...
Watching this show (hosted by Matt Pinfield who used to host 'Headbanger's Ball' on Mtv - back when Mtv occasionally played music videos) means seeing videos over and over and over again. Ordinarily I don't care because, as I said, I'm hooked up to some machine that is making me thinner while causing every internal organ in my body to scream at me in agony.
Thus, I have seen Pink's latest video so many times now that I have begun to deconstruct it... it really only took one viewing for me to 'get' the video's 'point', but the more I think about it, the more irritated I am by it.
Even if you've never seen THIS video before, trust me - you've seen this video before.
Basically, it lampoons all of the 'hot girls' in pop-culture (i.e. Paris, Britney, J-Lo, etc.) and makes a bold statement about how women shouldn't hate their bodies or get plastic surgery or get tans or anything because the so-called 'beautiful people' are shallow and lame, blah blah blah blah blah ad-infinitum.
It depicts Pink trying really really hard to make herself into one of the 'beautiful people' through implants, fake-tanning and endless working out (naturally, she gets laughed at in the gym by little fitness-bimbos).
Anyway, the point of the video seems to be that all of these pop-divas, models and what-not suck, and it's cooler to just be yourself.
The annoying thing is that Pink IS one of the 'beautiful people'! She's CONSTANTLY parading around in tiny outfits that show off her body! Okay, so you're in band instead of the cheerleading squad - but that doesn't change the fact that you're HOT and your hotness is a major part of your bread-and-butter!
I know I'm the fool for looking into a music video's narration to find artistic integrity, but I've seen this exact same plot in videos over and over again (Shakira, Fionna Apple... I'm looking in YOUR direction here...).
Let's face it... the brand names they use are different, but Pink, Britney, Madonna, Fionna, Paris, Shakira, J-Lo (cripes, these names!), Christina, Mariah and all the rest are basically cut from the same cloth and no matter how 'rebellious' you act or what color you dye your hair, you're still one of the dreaded 'beautiful people' you claim to hate so much - so let's just drop the false charade, shall we? Thank you.
Now pardon me while I listen to some Janice Joplin and Cynci Lauper albums...

TERI HATCHER IS NOT HOT!!!

Okay, far be it from me to question the journalistic integrity of FHM MAGAZINE, but recently they published their '100 Hottest Women' supplement, and TERI HATCHER was #10 on the list!
Now, before you react and say "Dude! She's smokin', man!" let me tell you something... I've SEEN Teri Hatcher in real life, and she looks exactly like this:

Now, keep in mind, I have no beef with Teri Hatcher (other than she's choosing to age less-than-gracefully, but, hey - that's her business)... my beef is with all the magazines and hollywood rags constantly crowing about how HOT she is!
What's even MORE irritating is when they crow about how hot she is 'for her AGE'... she looks terrible for someone TWICE her age - let alone her ACTUAL age (which, according to my research, is 67).
Just to put things into perspective for you and further illustrate what set me off on this, here are some women that scarecrow BEAT in FHM's laughably inaccurate list of 'hot women': Josie Maran, Ashley Judd, Catherine Zeta Jones and Salma Hayeck!!!
I mean, c'mon, FHM... the world counts on you for unbiased and accurate reporting! Don't sacrifice your integrity just to follow people who are trendy... otherwise you'll end up just like 'Omni', 'The Economist' and 'Cat Fancy!'

VOICE SCHMOICE

Lately I've been having to do lots of what is known as 'Scratch Vocals'... basically, this means I go down to Disney's voice-recording booth and act out some of the voiceover lines as a temporary 'filler' until we can get the actual cast to cut their tracks.

This has gotten me thinking, as I often have before, about how annoying most actors are about their 'craft'.
Whenever you see posters for animated films coming out these days, they tout the 'celebrity' voices (as if knowing that @#$*!!! Jada Pinkett-Smith-Talentless-Twit is the voice of some zoo animal will increase ticket sales). Movie posters for animated films NEVER used to give the actors 'billing' because, after all - they ONLY provide the voice. The ANIMATORS count for at least 50% (if not more) of the character's acting... so it just makes no sense to put so much emphasis on the VO actors.
And yet now EVERYONE does it. Even beloved PIXAR (the only ones who DIDN'T do it until now) has given Paul Newman and Owen Wilson billing on their ads for "CARS" (which, though it looks cute, I'm significantly less excited by it than I was for'The Incredibles' - one of the best movies ever made).
But I digress... back to busting on actors...

Now, I have a handfull of acquaintances that are VO actors, and I hold them in very high regard and I have NOTHING but respect for their work... the fact is, being an EXCEPTIONAL VO actor can be very difficult... for instance, Mel Blanc (Bugs Bunny and a gazillion others), of course, is the god of that universe... Billy West (lots of characters) is great... Tom Kenny (Spongebob) and Darrin Norris (Cosmo from Fairly Oddparents)... they're all awesome and stand apart.
In fact, if I were any of them, I'd be EXTRA resentful of the Owen Wilsons and Paul Newmans and Ben Stillers and Eddie Murphys and Mike Meyers and Catherine Zeta-Jonses of the world because, let's face it: Blanc, West, Kenny and Norris all do VOICES... all of these other so-called big-shot actors just use their own voice. They don't 'create characters'... they're getting the jobs because some frustrated, starstruck animation executive wants to brush elbows with Hollywood elite.

During the buildup and hype of these films, you inevitably see interviews with the voiceover actors and they go on and on about how difficult it was because there was no set or cast around them (gee... many artists consider their 'imagination' to be their greatest tool... I guess that's not true for these actors, huh?) and how the artists would often copy their brilliant performances by watching them jabber away in the sound booths blah blah blah blah blah... basically they're all trying to make themselves sound like something more than the meat-puppets they really are.
Now, I've done some acting in my day... I took acting in college and did stand-up and improv-comedy when I lived in Detroit... I've also done a handfull of voiceovers for games and cartoons... lemme let you folks in on a little secret:
VOICEOVER ACTING IS ABOUT THE EASIEST FRIGGING THING IN THE UNIVERSE!!! You don't have to look nice, you don't have to wear makeup, you don't have to memorize lines, you can screw up a million times and it doesn't matter, YOU CAN DO IT OVER THE FRIGGING PHONE if you need to!

I did a voice a couple of years ago for "Chalk Zone" and every few months or so I'll get a check from the Screen Actor's Guild. EVERY time the cartoon airs, I get money.
Now, make no mistake, my 'role' was an extremely small part and "Chalk Zone" gets very little airplay... and yet I get money from it. JUST IMAGINE the boatloads of cash any one of these folks get for playing a MAJOR character on a cartoon that airs ALL THE TIME!

I'm telling you, it's easy money.

And, again, let me re-emphasize: I don't begrudge them their success. I resent the 'big names' who make it sound like they're such 'artistes' because they had to yammer away in a microphone using their own voices for a coupla hours.

grumble grumble grumble...

LECTURE

Believe it or not, I occasionally get paid to go around and lecture about what a pain the animation industry is.
If this sort of self-stylized masochism is your bag and you intend to be in Eugene, Oregon between May 12-14th, then look me up.
For More details go to www.eugenefilmfest.org

HUGE NEWS!!!

You people are NOT going to believe this! The Red Hot Chilli Peppers have a new ablum out and - get this - it's got a song on it about California!!!
But HERE'S the part that's REALLY gonna blow your mind: It's got a song about how L.A. is all shallow and awful and stuff!
Can you believe it? I just can't fathom how much they've evolved as a band over the last twelve years.
Wow.
Look, fellas, no one hates L.A. more than I do right now, but here's the big difference between you guys and the rest of us doomed souls who live here: YOU'RE MILLIONAIRES! BUY A HOUSE IN VALENCIA OR MADDISSON WISCONSIN AND SHUT UP ALREADY!!!
Yeah, yeah... we GET it... L.A. is full of shallow people and drugs... you must really hate shallow people and drugs to have stayed rock stars for so long.
I used to like RHCP, but they've officially lost me now.
I'm sure they'll be devastated when they hear the news.

IN STORES NOW... HOT MEXICAN LOVE!

-BURBANK- House of Secrets - 1930 W Olive Ave, Burbank, CA 91506 (818) 562-1900

-HOLLYWOOD- Meltdown - 7522 Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood, California 90064 (323)851-7223

-GLENDALE- Legacy Comics - 123 West Wilson, Glendale, CA. 91203 (818) 247-8803

-PASADENA- Comics Factory - 1298 E Colorado Blvd, Pasadena, 91106 (626) 585-0618

-SANTA MONICA- Hi De Ho Comics (& Books with Pictures) - 525 Santa Monica Boulevard, Santa Monica CA 90401
310-394-2820

-SHERMAN OAKS- Earth 2 - 15017 Ventura Blvd., Sherman Oaks, CA 91403 (818) 386-9590

-STUDIO CITY- ComicSmash! - 11824 Ventura Blvd, Studio City, CA 91604 (818) 761-3753


This issue features a strip drawn by me and written by my fiancee Leigh (whom I believe I've mentioned before)... but it's jam packed with lots of other great stuff as well - so your money is wisely spent on this paper treasure!

What's that? You say you DON'T live in Los Angeles? Well, first of all, consider yourself lucky. Secondly, encourage your local comic book shop to contact me via FOUNTAINSPEN@AOL.COM so that they can order a gazillion copies!

Here's another snippet from me'n'Leigh's contribution...

SUPERFAST PAINTING

I had a very prolific weekend for painting... all in all, I think I must've done at least eight paintings. Most of them are pretty smalll - like these (8.5 by 10) and they were done with the intent of being 'loose', but I gotta say I'm pretty thrilled with the effects. They may seem sloppy, but I had a blast making them.

PROFESIONALISM IS OVERRATED

It's a beautiful Easter Sunday, and I just spent the last 2 hrs sitting on my porch drawing out pages for the new comic-book I hope to premier at either this year or next year's ComiCon (frankly, I have enough repressive deadlines in my life without imposing one on myself - so I'm not sure when I'll be done with it) and I can't remember the last time I've had this much fun drawing.
The animation industry (curse it to hades) has a way of making you hate drawing. I wake up dreading that I'll have to draw.
But after drawing out two panels in my sketchbook, all of that dread has been erased. I'm a happy camper.
And this may be the booze talking (I had a vodka tonic), but "doing it right" is far less enjoyable than "doing it fun".
I just darkened in lines to my sketchy, ultra-rough layouts and I couldn't be more thrilled with them. I wasted no time worrying about whether my characters were "on model" or whether or not the perspective was perfect... I just did it and did it in a way that was fun for ME.
Life's just too short not to enjoy your own creativity. I've spent far too much of my life already worrying about whether or not I was "good" and comparing myself to my peers.
I'm not saying that drawing things in a 'professional' way doesn't have it's place... I wouldn't have a job otherwise (and jops are handy for providing food, shelter and ultra-violent video games) - but if you're making something for your own enjoyment, take this little tip from Uncle John - stop worrying about whether or not you're doing it 'right' and just do it.
That's my little bit of zen enlightenment for today.
Happy Easter, Passover, or just happy-day-off-from-work.

WWW.LEIGHHOPE.BLOGSPOT.COM

I'm devoting today's page to letting everyone know that Leigh (my fiancee, collaborator and defender) has a blog now as well.
What you will undoubtedly discover is that her writings are much more entertaining than mine - and her blog will undoubtedly have multiple cute photos of our dog Otto... that, alone, is reason enough to go there.
Plus, I'm sure you can count on many paragraphs about what a jerk I am - which always makes for entertaining reading.
Take it away, hon!

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

For reasons I don't fully understand, people have informed me that they've been unable to post comments for the past couple of weeks.
Regardless, I think I've fixed the problem.
Whenever there's a problem like this on my blog, you can be certain that it has a lot to do with the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with this stuff.
But, as a reward for your patience, here's a drawing of a hot girl.
Now scroll down and catch up with your snide remarks.

START SPREADIN' DI-SEASE!

This is a caricature of me'n'Leigh I drew on the back of the vomit bag during our flight from NY to LA.
Oy and quadruple OY... where do I begin?
Okay, so our trip to Kalamazoo was an absolute delight - everything went great. But once we set down in NY, it was a slow descent into the depths of hell for me'n'Leigh...
I honestly don't know where to begin... I may have Leigh put it into writing since she's better at telling the whole story than I am - but here's a condensed version:
Soon after arriving, the stress of Leigh's job (she was there for a work-related event that she was coordinating... I was tagging along) caused her to get bleforitis (or something) which is basically and INFECTION OF THE EYES causing them both to swell up like an alien egg-sac with pus and gunk.
So she winds up having to go see a doctor and gets put on this complex regiment of antibiotics and eyedrops, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, she has to keep working.
About a day later, I start feeling sick yet AGAIN (those of you who follow this blog may recall that this is now my THIRD time being sick in the past 2 months).
Just as her eyes are clearing up, my temperature starts to rise, I have these incredibly painful coughing fits, and I'm soaked with a cold sweat.
Before you know it, my temperature reaches a whopping 103.1... generally one would be hospitalized with a temp this high, but I refused seeing as how I knew that going to the hospital and sitting in a waiting room for ten hours would just make matters worse. Leigh's doctor diagnoses that I basically have a sinus infection that was on the verge of becoming pneumonia.
Leigh, with her network of connections, got me on antibiotics right away, but the fever was slow in breaking and I was delirious and miserable.
As my days of suffering go by, I start to improve slightly each day... then Leigh almost gets mugged by some random attacker in the middle of the day on the streets of NY. Fortunately, Leigh is tough as nails and warded him off heroically (again, I'll save the details for later).
Then SHE starts showing symptoms of the same horrible infections I had.
So by Monday, when we fly home, we're both in utter misery... we get to LA and the airline (YOU SUCK, UNITED!!!!) can't seem to figure out how to open the door to the luggage compartment, so we have to sit and wait in the airport for another hour and a half while they try to figure out the complex mechanics of opening a door. We're both sweating, tired, drugged-up, sniffling, sneezing, hacking and dripping mucas.
After we finally get our stuff, we run out to a cab - relieved to finally be closer to home and anxious to beat rush-hour traffic - and tell the guy to take us to Burbank. He replies "Where is that?" THIS IS AN LAX CAB DRIVER AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE BURBANK IS!!!
So he drives around in circles for about 45 minutes until he finally figures out where the freeway onramp is. He then proceeds to take us (inexplicably) to Hollywood (this was after he had consulted his Thomas Guide and - we thought - figured out how to get to Burbank). We yell at him and direct him through surface roads to get us back home. The cab ride was over $100.
Again, this is a VERY abbreviated account of our trip, but in a nutshell: IT ALL SUCKED!
L.A. CABDRIVERS SUCK! UNITED ARILINES SUCKS! FLU VIRUSES SUCK!

SLAVES OF NY

Leigh and I are in NY after spending several days in Kalamazoom, and I gotta say - you can make fun of midwestern small-towns all you want, but we had a GREAT time there.
Honestly, I DO love NY and LA, but they really need to 'get over themselves'...
Yes, they're super cool, but Kalmazoo has lots and lots of character.
Anyway, I've had several gin'n'tonics and I've slept about 3 hrs in the past 5 days. Ao I'm gonna go... hope all of you are well.

AA MEETING

Also known as the "Animation Dinner with Ira."
My good pal Ira (seen here in the polka-dotten shirt) occassionally arranges these post-work dinner meetings where a bunch of animators get together and discuss the beloved industry we all work for.
Being the restless and obnoxious type that I am, I decided to do REALLY fast ink sketches of everyone at the table.
I shant reveal identities because then I know everyone will just write me and say "That looks nothing LIKE me!"
While Ira's intentions, I'm sure, are to use these as an opportunity to 'network' and 'share info', I rely on it purely as group-therapy that helps me tolerate some of the nonsense we all have to deal with in a field that's at the butt-end of the entertainment industry.